The Fic that wanted to be a column but couldn't
by Gwyneth o' the mountains
Summary: Humor/ Horror because its not really horror, its just *scary* (Oh no! I used the overused little star things! noooooooooo!!!!!) R/R please. Thank you. Thank you all. Thank you all so much.


The Fic that wanted to be a column but couldn't because it was too random and not exactly column-like.  
  
Well, y'all, this here is my new baby. I always wanted to have a column, but then I read one and decided that I would get bored too quickly and give up, and besides, I don't want to write that kind of column. I really don't know what kind of column I want to write, except that I want to write one. We'll just see how long this lasts, Okies?  
Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used that word! Really, using overused, jaded words like the slanderous 'Okies' should be banned. Yes, yes, I think that should be the subject of my first column.   
I personally find it disgusting when an author writes a wonderful, creative, enthralling story, and then uses words such as 'Like' and 'Said' as often as if they knew no other. Well, perhaps they don't, but that is no excuse. I know that I myself am quite guilty of this transgression, however, I at least use my handy dandy little synonym finder as often as I can, when I find myself using a word too often. If someone is writing Fanficion, chances are they have a computer. Particularly if they are posting their work on FF.n. And chances are, if they have a computer, with a program such as Microsoft Word, they will have a pre installed synonym finder. Along with a spell checker, but lets not get into THAT right now. (I find that incorrect spelling is one of my most ostentatious faults, in fact, One might say it is my worst, beyond the fundamental randomness of my character.) ANYWAY.  
If you, for some interesting reason, do not have an electronic synonym finder, then you could at least take the time to look it up in a thesaurus. One of my favorite books is a thesaurus, in fact, and I cherish it dearly. For instance, several synonyms for the word 'Said' are: mentioned, whispered, growled, cried, whimpered, snapped, shouted, screamed, assumed, alleged, etc. (No, etc. does NOT mean said. Jeeze people.) Sometimes, in humor fics or satires, the word 'said' could be over used for effect. As in:  
"I love you Cho." Said Harry.  
"Thats really sweet of you Harry." Said Cho.  
"Gee thanks, Cho." Said Harry.  
"Lets go make out in the bushes." Said Cho.  
"Whatever you say, my sweetie pie." Said Harry.  
"This is really disgusting." Said Ron.  
"Absolutely." Said Hermione.  
  
See, that was just a quick example, but it wouldn't have quite the same malignant, rampantly in poor taste, abusively humorous quality if is was:  
"I love you Cho." Cooed Harry.  
"Thats really sweet of you Harry." Murmured Cho.  
"Gee thanks, Cho." Gushed Harry.  
"Lets go make out in the bushes." Entreated Cho.  
"Whatever you say, my sweetie pie." Slobbered Harry.  
"This is really disgusting." Declared Ron.  
"Absolutely." Agreed Hermione.  
  
Now, I know this is an awful example, because it is completely dialogue, but sometimes unbridled overuse of words has its uses. (and the words I substituted for Said really have almost as bad of an effect on it anyway, but that's beside the point.) See, in this sentance (the one before the one before this one which I am currently typing) I substituted the word 'Unbridled' for the word 'Rampant', because I used Rampant above.   
  
I think that the word 'Like' is overused more in speech than in writing, because it has gotten to become a space filler. I know that I myself often say things 'like' that when I'm searching for my next word. Well, that's just not cool. For one thing, it sounds ditzy and brain dead, and for another, the word has no ring to it. It's a dead word. Like. Say it with me now: Like. It's short, concise, and carrys the official meaning of 'Similar to; Similar; and, to enjoy.' As in, 'An apple is like an orange, they are both fruit.' NOT 'An apple is, like, so like an orange, they're both, like, fruit.' Okay, maybe that seems excessive written here, but if you listen carefully to conversations around you, you would be surprised how much you hear it. Some people translate that into their writing, and nothing induces apoplexy in my esteemed self like (correctly used in this sentance,) Hermione saying that Harry is, like, soooooo, hot when he's, like, in danger. Not only is that out of character, I mean, could you really see Hermione saying that? No. But it is also abuse of the English language. Of course, in satires about Mary Sues, it is necessary to have Mary Sue, like, say like, like, all the time, I mean, she's like, barbie anyway, so why not, like, add the intelligent speech impediment as well?  
  
Anyway, that will be all for this edition.   
"And, like, flames are like, totally uncool, and like, not appreciated." Said the author.  
"That's, like, way like, too bad." Said the uneducated ne'er do well flamer.   
"You like, both, like, totally suck." Said the also uneducated observer.  
  
See?   
  
  
*RP/N: HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just THINK this is Gwyneth O' the Mountains... but I'm here to tell you that you're WRONG! Darn tootin wrong as it were! Y'all gather in close now, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once, and it may be a little tid bit that will come in handy later on in the game... in fact, it may save your life one day. Alright, well here goes, but, well, I hope y'all understand and be patient with me here, 'cause this is really had to say, y'see, don't like ter say his name iffn Ah c'n help it, but, well, here goes. This here fic was written by, well, it's better if I just get it out, I suppose, but, anywhere, it was written by, well, **Spok the Cannabalistic Treetrunk, in collaboration with ***The Listless Mr. Vanderburry. Now don't any of you go repeatin that, because I'll have your ears for my stew iffn I hear a word about it, see if I don't. Carry on.  
  
* RP stands for Random Person  
  
  
**About the author, Spok the Cannabalistic Treetrunk is a figment of the imagination if Gwyneth O' the Mountains, who is a graduate and founder of Gwyneth's school of Dastardly Jest, with a masters in absurdity, ranting, political slander, lucidising the right and rightiously confused mind, and escaping from prison once there. She is the author of four best sellers, those being 'An Ugly as All Getout Mind'; 'A Biography of the Himilayan Chipmunk, Lucy the Dancing Telephone, and Artemius Lunchbag the second'; 'Angst- and why it should be rated R'; and 'The fallacy of the trilogy- the demise of Luke'.  
  
*** The Listless Mr. Vanderburry is another figment of Gwyneth's imagination. He is boring. 


End file.
